Standards vs. Preferences

 

Let's discuss something that often gets confused. Standards vs. preferences.

Standard: a level of quality or attainment; a rule or principle that's used as a basis for judgment. 

Preference: a greater liking for one thing over another; a choice or judgment based on what one likes better. 

Now we're going to apply this to relationships. All the time, women will ask each other, "what's your standard for a guy?" Then the other will start saying things they like, such as "be good at sports, be a good cook, know how to take care of the car, etc." 
But none of these answer the question. These are answers to the preference question: "Who am I attracted to?"

The standard question answers: "Who am I committed to being?" 

To relate this to dating, we realize men have become ridiculously good at evaluating women based solely on their preferences. For example: Men teach other men to look for women who are feminine, fit, beautiful, peaceful, agreeable, hard-working, childless, faithful, and "traditional" enough (whatever that means) to impress but modern enough to split rent if necessary.  

Standards, on the other hand, aren't a code of conduct for someone else. They're a code of conduct for yourself. 

For example: 

👉I don't lie. 

👉I keep my word. 

👉I apologize when I'm wrong. 

👉I don't disappear when conflict gets uncomfortable. 

👉I don't entertain people I'm unsure about. 

👉I don't make crude jokes about anyone. 

👉I stand up for women. 

👉I don't ask someone to live by principles I haven't adopted myself. 

Notice that none of these statements require a partner to exist. That's because standards aren't relational first - they're personal first. They're the habits, disciplines, and values that shape how someone moves through the world, regardless of who's watching or who enters the room. 

Preferences tell who you want. 
Standards tell who you'll be once you have them. 

Now, alot of dating advice is aimed at men that revolves around maximizing access to women, rather than maximizing the quality of a relationship with one woman or even with themselves. It's about "more options." Shapeshift men and chameleons don't have standards. 🦎They blend in and change and mold and shift to whatever fits their fancy, aka "preference," just to gain access. Their goal is breadth - not depth of self-knowledge or depth of connection with one woman. And when breadth becomes the metric, the measuring line, standards and a personal code of conduct look very inconvenient. 

Can you see how disgusting this is? 🤮 No wonder so many women are telling other women not to get married. 

Now on the other hand, we women have largely developed an internal code of conduct because society demanded one. We're taught to preserve relationships, smooth conflict, maintain reputation, and think carefully about consequences of our every action. (How exhausting.🥱) 

Standards are filters. A person with them doesn't entertain everyone, doesn't flirt with everyone interested, doesn't keep "backups" or "just in cases," doesn't say yes just because he/she can. Standards require discipline and reduce options on purpose. Standards say, "I don't make decisions based on what I'm allowed to do or have the opportunity to do. 

I make them based on who I've decided to be."

On the one hand, there's the idea of access = success. And on the opposite side, there's the idea that discernment = maturity. The most meaningful and capable people are the ones who've already built something meaningful within themselves. Many people become experts at describing the type of person they want while remaining vague, about the type of person they're actually becoming. People can talk on and on about their "dealbreakers" but get uncomfortably quiet when asked what standards govern their own life. 

It's easier to evaluate someone else than to evaluate yourself. 

For men, it's easier to say, "I want a woman who goes to church" than to ask, "what does my own secret spiritual life look like?" 

It's easier to say, " I want a man/woman who prioritizes fitness" than to ask whether you yourself have demonstrated consistency and discipline that you want someone else to admire. It's easier to critique someone else's character than to develop your own. 

It's easier for men to try to find great women to be their moral compass than for them to learn to build and uphold their own. And something ironic is that many qualities people claim to want in a marriage partner are actually sustained by standards. 

Because, for example, men don't maintain a healthy marriage because they preferred a beautiful woman. They maintain it because of the standards built around honest, integrity, consistency, sacrifice, and forgiveness. 

Preferences might determine who catches your eye. 

Standards, though, determine who feels safe staying around. 

Too many people are trying to find a partner without asking whether they've become a kind of person another emotionally healthy person would actually enjoy building a life with. 

They should ask: "If someone experienced me every day for the next 30 years, what principles would they encounter daily?" 

What someone says his/her standards are is less revealing than what he/she consistently tolerates, practices, and requires of him/herself. 

Remember: actions speak much louder than words.